Silvia Club of NSW

AT THE RACE TRACK

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their trousers, and began lifting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their "john thomases" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift."

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Mmmmmm.....donuts

The Angel

Two guys meet in a pub, the first guy proudly says, ''My wife's an angel.''
The second guy replies, ''Geez, you're lucky. Mine's still alive.''

Playing a round

A man staggers into the emergency room with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a padock full of cows."

"We went to look for our gold balls, and I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, honey this looks like yours."

"I don't remember much after that."

Sign Language

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says," What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

The Romantic Weekend

A married couple are staying in a hotel.
After a romantic evening of wining and dining, they go off to bed.
As they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."

The wife takes the hint and says, "Okay, but I have to use the bathroom first."
On her way back she trips over a rug and lands flat on her face.

Her husband jumps up and in a concerned tone asks,"Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

She replies that she is fine, jumps into bed, and they have mad passionate sex for three hours.
Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same rug again and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

The husband looks over and grunts, "Stupid bitch."

The ritual

Joe stopped at his favorite pub after a hard day's work to relax.
He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer.
The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.

This continued a few times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him.
He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual.
Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"

The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"

CONFIDENCE

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.

'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'

The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'

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Mmmmmm.....donuts

The Gift

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, "What would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

FAITHFUL OR UNFAITHFUL?

Three men died and stood in front of God.

God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a midsize car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?"

"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

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Mmmmmm.....donuts

The Refund
A woman goes into K-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Oh God ... Quick, grab my tits! Grab my tits!"

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.
The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?"
She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Oh God ... Quick, grab my tits! Grab my tits!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

The woman says, "Because I like to have my tits grabbed while I'm being screwed!"

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_________________
Mmmmmm.....donuts

/\ /\ /\ /\ /\ Damn right

Bring back old fashioned values.

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Nature abhors a straight line

A young married couple are having a few problems with their sex life.

On the brink of a separation, the couple decide to do something about their problem before it's to late. They both agree to visit a sex therapist.

During their first visit, the therapist says to the couple, "What problems could such a great looking, young married couple like you have in bed".

The wife replies, "Well, you see, it's like this, my husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The therapist turns to the husband and says, "I know this may be a touchy subject but in order for me to help you, you need to be totally honest with me. Is this true?"

The husband replies, "Well not exactly doc, it's her that suffers, not me".

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Nature abhors a straight line

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"That's true," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

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Nature abhors a straight line