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On her 70th birthday, an old spinnster decides it's time to finnaly get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:
" Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person"
The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.
She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"
The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"
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A man walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, he demands that the woman at the counter "take it out". "We have no money sir, this is a sperm bank", she replies. "I don't care" says the robber, "take it out and drink it down!", he damands. Scared for her life she drinks down a sperm sample. "Do it again" the angry robber yells, and the woman complies. Taking off his mask the woman realizes it's her husband... he looks her in the eye and says "see I told you it wasn't so bad".
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A husband went home after working at his job in a restaurant. His wife noticed he seemed a little bit aggravated so she asked him what was wrong. After some coaxing, he finally told her that he had been having an urge to put his dick in the pickle-slicer at work. His wife was astonished and told him he should really do something about that. An urge like that could not be healthy at all. He said that he would and they left it at that.
A week later, the husband came home smiling and completely happy. His wife asked him what happened that would put him in such a good mood. He said, "I finally did it! I put my dick in the pickle-slicer." The wife asked, "Well, what happened?" Husband: "Oh, well I was fired." Wife: "I mean, what happened with the pickle-slicer?"
Husband: "Oh, she got fired too!"
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An old lady was doing her shopping at the local department store. She picked up all her purchases and pushed her cart to the counter. As the checkout operator was scanning her items he realised that the very last item did not have a price tag or barcode. The checkout operator had to do a price check over the loud speaker so he pressed the button and stated the following message: "Price check on Tampax Tampons Mega-Size!" The woman was obviously embarrased as near-by shoppers turned and looked towards her. Meanwhile, the shop attendant at the rear of the store who heard the call misheard the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumb Tacks'. The attendant then replied back over the speaker, in a very business like tone,he announced the following message: "Do you mean the ones you can push in with your thumb, or the ones you have to pound with a hammer?" The poor woman buried her head in her hands and ran out of the store!
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My cousin, Keno worked off shore..halfway into his shift, he calls his wife...Honey don't worry, I am ok. An accident occured and my finger was cut OFF...She yells, The hole finger? NO, NO, the one right next to it.....
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S15
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