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A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit in the early
hours of this morning, with the epicentre in Macquarie Fields.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "F**kin ell"
and "Whadda c**t". The earthquake decimated the area causing
approximately $30.00 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from the Torana Appreciation
Society and the Macquarie Fields Progress Hall were damaged beyond
repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my
Bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept
through it all.
I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer the next
morning".
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.
The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to
The area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still
searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of
personal belongings, which include benefit books, Canterbury shirts,
jewellery from Priceline and bone china from Go Lo.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those
unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought
after. Items most needed include: baseball caps and tracksuits.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include, Pluto Pops, Donna Kebabs, McDonalds, KFC,
ice cream and cans of Red Bull, Bacardi Breezer, or Home Brew.
If you would prefer to donate money, 25c buys a biro for filling in
compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips, battered savs and gherkins,
crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9; $10.00 will pay for a
packet of Winfield Blues and a lighter to calm the nerves of those
affected.
PLEASE do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is
unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas.
_________________
The Golf is like an 16-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her.
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