Silvia Club of NSW

Office Politics

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

_________________
Mmmmmm.....donuts

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound. A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane.

The Pit Bull says to the others:
"I was eating my dinner and my owner’s two year old niece tried to take my food away, so I bit her on the hand and now they are going to put me to sleep."

The German Shepherd says:
"I chewed up my owner’s shoes yesterday and just for that they are going to put me to sleep"

After a few moments of silence, the Pit Bull looks at the Great Dane and says:
What you in for buddy?”

The Great Dane replies:
"Well you see, my owner is a beautiful 22 year old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her and did my thing. I just could help it"

The Pit Bull replies:
"Wo, bummer, I guess you are here to be put to sleep as well?"

The Great Dam replies:
"No, she sent me here to have my nails clipped!"

_________________
Nature abhors a straight line

Fleas

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold.

The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'.

The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"

The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm".

The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.

The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"

To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

_________________
Mmmmmm.....donuts

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

_________________
Nature abhors a straight line

The silver trick

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

_________________
Mmmmmm.....donuts

Two women who had been friends for years, decided to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the martinis. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.

They were very near a cemetery and one of them suggested they relieve themselves behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing rather expensive underwear and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. She dried herself with the ribbon. After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girls night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing." said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her arse that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."

_________________
Nature abhors a straight line

Seven wise men, creative and fine, created a pussy to their own design.

First was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a chisel and hammer, he gave it a hole. Second was a butcher, quick with his wit, with a steak knife he gave it a slit. Third was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur he lined it without. Fourth was a tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet he lined it within. Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher, his name was McGee, he blessed it and touched it and said it could pee. Seventh was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a CUNT!

_________________
Mmmmmm.....donuts

Words of Wisdom

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place... You either married it or gave birth to it.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to he fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"

_________________
Nature abhors a straight line

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Union Station," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

The driver replies, "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

_________________
Mmmmmm.....donuts

A little girl asked her mum if she could take her dog for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies, "No, because she's on heat."

What's that mean?" asked the child.

Mum replies, "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Fluffy for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat and to come to you."

Dad replies, "Bring Fluffy over here darling."

Dad takes a rag, soaks it with petrol and scrubs the dog's backside with it and says, "Okay darling, you can go now, but keep Fluffy on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl leaves but returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asks, "Darling, where's Fluffy?

The little girl replies; "Daddy, she ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

_________________
Nature abhors a straight line

Birth Control

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

_________________
Mmmmmm.....donuts

Prescription

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you... I didn't realize you had a prescription."

_________________
Mmmmmm.....donuts

Pleasing her

My wife and I were lying in bed the other day.
My hands were slowly finding their way across her body.
I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."
She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

Raw Materials

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!"

_________________
Mmmmmm.....donuts